For you my friend I would give a report for free. The only requirement would be for you to be baptized and profess the one true faith. It's a win-win for you!
"Sometimes I just feel like curling up on the floor in front of the fireplace, and just rolling around the room, like a tumbleweed, and not even caring if I knock things over, or break them. And if people get mad, maybe because it's their house or something, you can just shake your head and go, "What happened?"